My crystal ball...

*(read at your own risk...its LONG, EMOTIONAL, BASKET CASE, CRY BABY HEAD.)(also sorry this probably wont make any sense to anyone, but its my way of being able to get stuff out and read it back to myself looking for answers i guess)

Sometimes i wish i had my own crystal ball so i could look in it and see exactly were my life should be. I wish it could tell me what i was suppose to do and when. It has been a really ruff week for me and I am so stressed out and my brain is about fried,i lose it over just about any and everything. i don't know how we have managed to live the past year and its all catching up to me now. I am the type of person that holds and hides emotion very well, I'm pretty strong, I don't lose it very often which it a good and a bad thing. Nick and everyone else maybe sees me cry about three times or less a year, i hold it together and bury it down deep and seal the lid tight, but the past week has made me break down and the bottle inside pretty much shatter and let it out many times, the stupid thing is that at times i have no idea why I'm crying or angry, why i lose it and how i can even let my self get like that. I know its very unhealthy to bottle your emotions up but i have learned that's its like my armor, no one gets in, no one breaks me, and therefor i don't get hurt (if that makes sense ). I feel like a complete failure as a mom, wife, daughter..etc. I cant get a hold of anything and i definitely cant control anything which is what i like to do just so i know what going on and know that I'm not going to get hurt in any way. I feel like I am holding certain people back that are in my life and that hurts. Its hard to look at your self and know that 90% of your problems are because of you and the stupid things you do. I have so much to be grateful for yet i still seem to find things I'm ungrateful for, even knowing that i have to have trials in my life to get to the better outcome i still get so angry over many things. This is why i think life would be much easier with a crystal ball. I do want to say I am SO GRATEFUL for my Two Boys and my Husband (who i feel horrible for having to put up with me right now), they are my world and life would be so meaning less right now with out there handsome faces helping me through the hard times. When i look in to my crystal ball at this very moment i see THIS....

When life is hard (like now) there is only one thing in my eyes view THIS...

and THIS...

These are the only things that make my whole world, that make me love, smile, cry, laugh, i would do anything for them, i love each of them so much, way more then i show them (mostly nick), i hope they truly know how much i care for them even though I'm tough to be around and to love sometimes. I truly would give my life in a second for any of them.
Thank you to my crystal ball for showing me what really matters!