20 weeks...and some venting...

This week i figured i would write instead of doing my weekly questions. This week has been the most trying week for me. My hormones are EVERYWHERE i cant seem to just have one emotion, and i loose it so fast, i want to just be by myself and in peace and quiet which can happen since i have two other boys who mean the world to me. This pregnancy seems like a killer, it unlike my other two and its soooo much harder on me and on everyone around me...sorry everyone :)
My Husband HAS to love me A LOT to get through everyday with me right now, im sure he cringes at the thought of coming home to me and not knowing what kind of mood i will be in. I have felt so bad about snapping at the boys for no reason or over the stupid simple things they do or dont do. note to self: HELLO MARCI they are only 6 and 3 year old kids...they WILL NOT do everything perfect how you expect them too so get over it.
Kaylin was my little buddy for 3 1/2 years before kiptin joined us and him and I were SOOO close, he ALWAYS WANTED HIS MOMMY, I always got lots of hugs and kisses from my sweet boy, but lately he wants nothing to do with me ( i really dont blame him) i hate when i make him feel bad or break his heart, i snap so fast and i drill what i think he needs to hear in to him, which is NOT good and I should never do that.
I remember when i was a little girl and really the ONLY memories i really have are my mom just drilling me and yelling at me and all the hitting and throwing things and just all the bad, i dont have that many good memories at all and it hurts to think i may be repeating that same pattern for my two boys. Thats all i know so its hard to be someone that i want to be but have never had that example so I dont know how other then to teach my self which is much harder then anyone can imagine.
self control is a big thing i need to work on, self control over anger is my hardest, i would put it in the same category as someone who is trying to quit drugs, its way easy said then it is done.
This really is my challenge in life, and it's a hard one, one i would not even wish on my worst enemy, it just sucks.
I know i need to grow closer to the gospel and really be listening for the help and allow it in. Thats also another thing that is hard because again i didnt have that growing up so im really having to figure out this all on my own and having to teach my self as well as learning how to teach my kids right from wrong and to be more Christ like.
Nick use to be my rock (still is) and I always relied on him to take care of me and be there for me but as we have gotten use to each other and really comfortable together I think its just easier for him to walk away or punch back, i know he finds it really hard to deal with me and he has no idea how too help because nothing fixes it, its just on going and you never know when it will hit. It would be so easy for him to walk away and move on to be a single dad or find someone NOT like me and sometimes i wonder why the heck he hasnt yet because i know i couldnt handle someone like me.
My family is my everything, i would rather spend everyday for the rest of eternity with these 4 then with anyone in the whole world. So everyday I try to work on my self as much as possible and with this pregnancy it just has me so backed into corner and it much harder on me then it has ever been. I need to really remember that every day is a blessing and we NEVER know at what time something could happen to our spouse or kids, if anything ever happened to one of them and i had just yelled or lost my temper or said something mean, it would be unforgivable within me so i always want to live like it is really the last day i have with them because i dont ever know when it really will be and i want no or at least very little regrets with my kids and so far im not doing a great job at that.

I always want my husband and boys to know that their wife and mom truly did love them more then life itself and i would give anything in this world to be perfect for them.
Here's too a better tomorrow and less yesterdays!

(sorry today was cleaning day, not the best pic)